• To alcohol - The cause of and solution to all our problems.
• The strong must protect the Sweet.
• Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• Homer no function beer well without.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
• I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
• [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
• What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
• Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
• Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
• How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
• I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
• [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
• "Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."
• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
• Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
• Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
• I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.
• Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
• God bless those pagans.
• I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t.
• Mmmm, free goo.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
• I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
• Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
• Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

Bart Simpson Quotes

I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!

It'll be like Robinson Crusoe, only with more swearing...We'll live like kings...Damn-Hell-Ass Kings!!

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks?

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.

You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair.

I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.

I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?

Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.

• Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.
• I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
• What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
• Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.

• Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
• I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

• Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!
• This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
• Bad corpse! Stop ... scaring ... Smithers!
• A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green blow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
• Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
• Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
• Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
• Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
• Smithers: If you did it, sir?
• [Stone flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
• Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
• Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.

Nelson Quotes

• Ha-Ha.
• We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys
• [On the movie "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title!
• Check it out, a freezer geezer!
• Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.